Therapy Thursday–stream of consciousness

well its appropriate that today is therapy thursday. im just going to type and spellcheck, not take anything out or worry about content. ive had a shitty day and i dont have time to worry about image or anything.

i’ve had this on again off again sometimes fwb sometimes dating sometimes not even speaking relationship for the past four years. normally i talk to him every day but i hadnt heard from him since sunday so i texted him to see if he was okay. out of left field he tells me he doesnt ever want kids, might not ever want a house, we want different things and are too different and we should move on.

what. in the actual. fuck.

but it gets better. at that point in the conversation i am so flabbergasted that all i can think of to say is ‘well that sucks’.

but wait. theres MORE.

kid decides to try and prolong this shit.

“can we take a month apart and try talking again, your [sic] the closest person i have. i want you in my life but not the same way you want.”

why in the SEVEN HELLS would i keep talking to you with that sort of mixed message shit going on? what the fuck is that? im the most important person to you but you don’t want to be with me? MAKES SENSE. two weeks ago we were having a COUPLES MASSAGE and all of a sudden we are too different? because of some hypothetical children that dont even exist yet? you are the one that calls me whenever you are in the car and wants to hang out all the time and text me pictures of your fancy food when you are out with your work friends and pay for my FFXIV subscription so that i will play with you.

this is some fucked up shit. and unfortunately im the kind of person that will curl up in a ball and cry and overanalyze every single thing i could have done differently to make him love me–rather than just accept that hes an asshole that wont ever commit to anyone, which he even says himself.

maybe i will use this as an opportunity to develop tutorials on getting rid of or hiding puffy red eyes. stay gorgeous.